[ Wow he's sure getting a lot of that look today. It's comforting yet daunting, like the sun beaming down on him and warming him all over yet he can't stare directly at it for long because it's so bright. ]
—What's with that face?
[ He asks, yet knows without a doubt what's going through Dearka's mind. Not dissimilar to when he'd first kissed him all that time ago - surprised, unsure, hesitating to assume too much. And like last time, Yzak made his intent clear enough. But what happened back then and since then have both been something constantly on his mind ... in both the worst and best of ways. And so, ]
Look. All this time since the start of this ... relationship, [ He says that word the same way Dearka said 'couples' just before, averting his gaze to something or other on his nightstand. Awkward, still almost foreign on the tongue when he says it but still causing his heart to thump just a little harder in his chest. ] it's been you that's been more than patient about things. I know you're not allowing your expectations to get too high, because you said so yourself, that we should enjoy things here, for now, and not stress ourselves out about it.
And that's been fine. But, I can only be that laid back for so long, and I'm aware that even you have your limits there.
Not to mention, it was also you who decided to bring up how you felt first. I can't allow you to keep that lead on me! It would be uncharacteristic on my part if I just let that stand!
[ Of course Yzak has to put it that way, his expression getting that haughty bolster that it always does when it gets like this. ]
... so that's what it's for. [ He looks back to the omamori in Dearka's hand. ] I want to make it clear that I'm taking this seriously, because you mean that much to me. Hell, [ Yzak leans back and runs his hand up through his hair restlessly. ] I even started to wonder if you were the reason I've been avoiding my mother's pushiness about my personal life this whole time!
[ A sigh at the mere thought of those memories, forever haunted by holographic maids appearing in his bathroom. ]
That aside, I also wanted to make clear, that I intend to continue to take this seriously. And that I don't want to consider nor continue to let you consider this as just ... for now.
[ His brow furrows after that, thoughtfully, a little guilty, and he inclines his head toward Dearka. ]
It's probably selfish of me to say something like that when I can't promise you anything. But you ... you're also someone that I want more than anybody else to not hurt or to let down.
... And, [ One last, grumbly, self-important little hmph. ] I want expectations regarding me to be the highest they can be!
[Yzak says "I can't allow you to keep that lead on me", and Dearka smirks; not in a haughty way, just kind of like. Ah, so this is a competition thing.
...That's the most guff he gives Yzak throughout his little speech, though. As much as he may tease and troll the guy (affectionately!), Dearka would never make light of a moment of true vulnerability from his man. He knows Yzak, and he knows that the prickly wall he almost always has up is a necessity for protecting a soft, sentimental and gooey center. Abusing his privilege by cracking wise here would be an absolute betrayal of Yzak's trust.
And... Dearka can feel the sincerity and the enormity behind this moment. He's actually kind of overwhelmed by it? Overwhelmed in a positive way, but, nonetheless...]
Yzak, I...
[His fingers tighten slightly around the omamori.]
Are you saying... Even after we go back to PLANT...?
[It's alright if he's not. But he needs to be absolutely certain.]
[ It's Yzak, of course there's gotta be some element of competition in there. It's as hard-coded into his DNA as his Coordinator genes are.
At the question, his chin dips slightly, though he keeps his gaze on Dearka. He ... doesn't look entirely guilty, but there are traces of it there. He hates being in a position that feels so ... unstable, even if he just said what he said with as much of that Yzak-like determination he could muster. ]
I just said, I can't make any promises. So I ... can't say yes to that. But I'm not saying no, either!
What I mean is, [ He crosses his arms, one set of fingers drumming against his bicep. He's bad at this! Feelings like this are hard! ] we've been here for how many months now? And who the hell knows how many more are ahead of us. We might be stuck here for a long time, which I'm not thrilled about!
But you're here with me. [ There's a lightness in his voice when he says that, because it's no secret that Dearka has always been that important in Yzak's life. His presence and support has always been a source of strength for him. ] And the longer anybody has something like ... this, [ Something nice, something that makes him happy. Of course, he can't say that outloud very easily or else he'll Die. ] the less they're going to want to give it up.
So I just don't want you thinking that going back home means hitting some sort of abrupt finish line. Or that I'm just going to drop everything and tell you to fuck off and forget anything ever happened. I wouldn't do something so shitty, least of all to you.
[The way Dearka almost wildly backpedals, because he's just that worried he accidentally put Yzak in an awkward position by misunderstanding this gesture of his... But Yzak explains, and he relaxes again, hitting him with another one of those incredibly warm and adoring, schmoopy-ass looks of his.
He'd be outright lying if he said he was completely unworried about the future. Going back to PLANT and dealing with the social judgement they'll inevitably wind up facing, from family and coworkers alike; much as he likes to act all aloof and unbothered, it's not like he's completely immune to gossip.
But... Seeing Yzak's resolve? Getting this gift, this symbol. He feels some of those worries he's been shoving into the corner this whole time simply... Fade away.
He chuckles.]
I mean, I never thought for a minute you'd actually do anything that abrupt...
[He trails off, too overcome to articulate himself. Instead, he reaches out and tugs Yzak's sleeve gently. Trying to get him to lean forward in his seat a bit, to help close the gap between bed and chair. Let him give you a "thank you" kiss, idiot!]
[ If Dearka didn't tug at his sleeve he'd have rambled on a bit more. Perhaps it's for the better because it might have been too much of a vibe killer, and who needs that right now? It's not like it's anything Dearka wouldn't have already assumed or known about him, anyway.
He's afraid of being hurt. Either by others or by himself and his own stupid decisions. At the start of this all, he held a knife right up against his heart, ready to cut these feelings away if he got too scared or deemed this all fruitless. Quick and clean though never painless, because Yzak's heart is softer than he lets on. Now, though, he's eased up on keeping it there, bracing and defensive. His lack of any solid promises means it isn't gone, but then again his defenses in general are always just there.
Let's be real, though. At the start or down the line, it wouldn't matter; it's not like doing that would hurt any less, not when it comes to Dearka who is more important to him than anything. Regardless of any what ifs of the past and apprehensions of the future - many of which Yzak shares with his partner - their bond, whatever form it's in, it ultimately unbreakable.
And the whole point of this gift was to make that clear.
It's those damn affectionate eyes that chip away at any awkward hesitation Yzak feels about that notion to kiss him. It does the opposite, in fact, and he leans forward to close that distance between them and give Dearka a soft, but full kiss. And easier that that is to do, his face still heats up by the time he draws back, because, he's Like This. ]
Well, consider that my way of making sure you don't start to think differently.
...
N-now open the last thing.
[ Before he lets himself marinate in this schmoopy moment for too long and it kills him.
The card is standard for what Yzak has done with his other gifts for people, and it reads: ]
There are personalities like watercolors that bleed into the lives they touch. And I know you wish you could do more than just fight to create a picture of peace as vibrant as it deserves to be.
Enjoy the holiday. This team, and I, couldn't have gotten this far without you.
- Yzak
[ And the gift with the card is a pair of fans, that have been teched out in a way where, when waved, they leave a trail of color(s) behind (colors customizable). ]
[....Leave it to Yzak to turn a simple gift exchange into something so profoundly beautiful and heartwarming. Yes, that's a sentiment Dearka Elthman is thinking about Yzak Jule, of all people, and yeah, anyone else hearing that who has met Yzak would probably think he was insane for thinking it. The difference is, he knows Yzak. Knows his heart. And at it's core, it's this: caring, deeply sentimental, and surprisingly poetic when he allows himself to be.
The gift is beautiful and well thought out. But the card... The card is weirdly what's hitting him the hardest.
Dearka swallows that emotion and snaps one of the new fans open to perform an expert flourish with it; something simple that he can easily do while seated, the motion trailing streaks of deep purple similar in hue to his eyes. He snaps it shut again, beaming.]
Alright, uncle. You really got my ass beat on this gift giving thing.
[That's actually his secret final gift to you, Yzak: proclaiming you the gift giving winner.]
[ Did Yzak test out the fans to make sure they were in perfect working order? Of course he did. But there's something about the way Dearka waves one with such effortless skill that he can't help but watch the trail of color in awe.
Awe that shifts into a smirk, pleased at the high praise of his gift of gift-giving.
Still Yzak opts to be a little humble, if only because it's Dearka. ]
It's not like it's a contest.
[ Still smirking, though. Look, he's trying, he just loves the compliments, ]
[He KNOWS Yzak loves the compliments, why else would he be giving them? Because they're sincere? Well. Yes. IT CAN BE FOR BOTH REASONS!]
Merry Christmas, Yzak.
[Get your butt out of that chair and over onto the bed so he can cuddle you?? Please??? Also, Dearka makes a note to ask him if he's ever thought about pursuing poetry. You know... If they're ever able to retire from the damn military. His card indicates he might have the knack for wordsmithing.
But, that's a conversation for some other time...]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
—What's with that face?
[ He asks, yet knows without a doubt what's going through Dearka's mind. Not dissimilar to when he'd first kissed him all that time ago - surprised, unsure, hesitating to assume too much. And like last time, Yzak made his intent clear enough. But what happened back then and since then have both been something constantly on his mind ... in both the worst and best of ways. And so, ]
Look. All this time since the start of this ... relationship, [ He says that word the same way Dearka said 'couples' just before, averting his gaze to something or other on his nightstand. Awkward, still almost foreign on the tongue when he says it but still causing his heart to thump just a little harder in his chest. ] it's been you that's been more than patient about things. I know you're not allowing your expectations to get too high, because you said so yourself, that we should enjoy things here, for now, and not stress ourselves out about it.
And that's been fine. But, I can only be that laid back for so long, and I'm aware that even you have your limits there.
Not to mention, it was also you who decided to bring up how you felt first. I can't allow you to keep that lead on me! It would be uncharacteristic on my part if I just let that stand!
[ Of course Yzak has to put it that way, his expression getting that haughty bolster that it always does when it gets like this. ]
... so that's what it's for. [ He looks back to the omamori in Dearka's hand. ] I want to make it clear that I'm taking this seriously, because you mean that much to me. Hell, [ Yzak leans back and runs his hand up through his hair restlessly. ] I even started to wonder if you were the reason I've been avoiding my mother's pushiness about my personal life this whole time!
[ A sigh at the mere thought of those memories, forever haunted by holographic maids appearing in his bathroom. ]
That aside, I also wanted to make clear, that I intend to continue to take this seriously. And that I don't want to consider nor continue to let you consider this as just ... for now.
[ His brow furrows after that, thoughtfully, a little guilty, and he inclines his head toward Dearka. ]
It's probably selfish of me to say something like that when I can't promise you anything. But you ... you're also someone that I want more than anybody else to not hurt or to let down.
... And, [ One last, grumbly, self-important little hmph. ] I want expectations regarding me to be the highest they can be!
no subject
...That's the most guff he gives Yzak throughout his little speech, though. As much as he may tease and troll the guy (affectionately!), Dearka would never make light of a moment of true vulnerability from his man. He knows Yzak, and he knows that the prickly wall he almost always has up is a necessity for protecting a soft, sentimental and gooey center. Abusing his privilege by cracking wise here would be an absolute betrayal of Yzak's trust.
And... Dearka can feel the sincerity and the enormity behind this moment. He's actually kind of overwhelmed by it? Overwhelmed in a positive way, but, nonetheless...]
Yzak, I...
[His fingers tighten slightly around the omamori.]
Are you saying... Even after we go back to PLANT...?
[It's alright if he's not. But he needs to be absolutely certain.]
no subject
At the question, his chin dips slightly, though he keeps his gaze on Dearka. He ... doesn't look entirely guilty, but there are traces of it there. He hates being in a position that feels so ... unstable, even if he just said what he said with as much of that Yzak-like determination he could muster. ]
I just said, I can't make any promises. So I ... can't say yes to that. But I'm not saying no, either!
What I mean is, [ He crosses his arms, one set of fingers drumming against his bicep. He's bad at this! Feelings like this are hard! ] we've been here for how many months now? And who the hell knows how many more are ahead of us. We might be stuck here for a long time, which I'm not thrilled about!
But you're here with me. [ There's a lightness in his voice when he says that, because it's no secret that Dearka has always been that important in Yzak's life. His presence and support has always been a source of strength for him. ] And the longer anybody has something like ... this, [ Something nice, something that makes him happy. Of course, he can't say that outloud very easily or else he'll Die. ] the less they're going to want to give it up.
So I just don't want you thinking that going back home means hitting some sort of abrupt finish line. Or that I'm just going to drop everything and tell you to fuck off and forget anything ever happened. I wouldn't do something so shitty, least of all to you.
no subject
He'd be outright lying if he said he was completely unworried about the future. Going back to PLANT and dealing with the social judgement they'll inevitably wind up facing, from family and coworkers alike; much as he likes to act all aloof and unbothered, it's not like he's completely immune to gossip.
But... Seeing Yzak's resolve? Getting this gift, this symbol. He feels some of those worries he's been shoving into the corner this whole time simply... Fade away.
He chuckles.]
I mean, I never thought for a minute you'd actually do anything that abrupt...
[He trails off, too overcome to articulate himself. Instead, he reaches out and tugs Yzak's sleeve gently. Trying to get him to lean forward in his seat a bit, to help close the gap between bed and chair. Let him give you a "thank you" kiss, idiot!]
no subject
He's afraid of being hurt. Either by others or by himself and his own stupid decisions. At the start of this all, he held a knife right up against his heart, ready to cut these feelings away if he got too scared or deemed this all fruitless. Quick and clean though never painless, because Yzak's heart is softer than he lets on. Now, though, he's eased up on keeping it there, bracing and defensive. His lack of any solid promises means it isn't gone, but then again his defenses in general are always just there.
Let's be real, though. At the start or down the line, it wouldn't matter; it's not like doing that would hurt any less, not when it comes to Dearka who is more important to him than anything. Regardless of any what ifs of the past and apprehensions of the future - many of which Yzak shares with his partner - their bond, whatever form it's in, it ultimately unbreakable.
And the whole point of this gift was to make that clear.
It's those damn affectionate eyes that chip away at any awkward hesitation Yzak feels about that notion to kiss him. It does the opposite, in fact, and he leans forward to close that distance between them and give Dearka a soft, but full kiss. And easier that that is to do, his face still heats up by the time he draws back, because, he's Like This. ]
Well, consider that my way of making sure you don't start to think differently.
...
N-now open the last thing.
[ Before he lets himself marinate in this schmoopy moment for too long and it kills him.
The card is standard for what Yzak has done with his other gifts for people, and it reads: ]
There are personalities like watercolors that bleed into the lives they touch. And I know you wish you could do more than just fight to create a picture of peace as vibrant as it deserves to be.
Enjoy the holiday. This team, and I, couldn't have gotten this far without you.
- Yzak
[ And the gift with the card is a pair of fans, that have been teched out in a way where, when waved, they leave a trail of color(s) behind (colors customizable). ]
no subject
The gift is beautiful and well thought out. But the card... The card is weirdly what's hitting him the hardest.
Dearka swallows that emotion and snaps one of the new fans open to perform an expert flourish with it; something simple that he can easily do while seated, the motion trailing streaks of deep purple similar in hue to his eyes. He snaps it shut again, beaming.]
Alright, uncle. You really got my ass beat on this gift giving thing.
[That's actually his secret final gift to you, Yzak: proclaiming you the gift giving winner.]
no subject
Awe that shifts into a smirk, pleased at the high praise of his gift of gift-giving.
Still Yzak opts to be a little humble, if only because it's Dearka. ]
It's not like it's a contest.
[ Still smirking, though. Look, he's trying, he just loves the compliments, ]
puts a little CHRISTMAS BOW on this:🎀
Yeah. Sure it isn't.
[He KNOWS Yzak loves the compliments, why else would he be giving them? Because they're sincere? Well. Yes. IT CAN BE FOR BOTH REASONS!]
Merry Christmas, Yzak.
[Get your butt out of that chair and over onto the bed so he can cuddle you?? Please??? Also, Dearka makes a note to ask him if he's ever thought about pursuing poetry. You know... If they're ever able to retire from the damn military. His card indicates he might have the knack for wordsmithing.
But, that's a conversation for some other time...]